I’d rather this here than my Tumblr. I am struggling so much to sustain myself. For weeks upon weeks I’ve been dealing with a stuttering heart, with beating I can feel & hear, thumping especially in my ears every few seconds. My motor control keeps decreasing & overall the regression of physicality feels absolutely terrible. It’s hard to act like this is livable, it’s hard to not be disgusted with myself in the face of the spreading rot caused by stagnating into my body. I don’t know how to put this to people but since becoming an adult the only time people are “concerned” about you in a disabled body is if you aren’t making them money. Calling out of work because my head is spinning was a personal failure. No one will come to my apartment unless the rent stops coming in for the landlord, & they’d send a disaster crew to remove the rot I created quick enough to get the apartment listed for someone new. I know I am just in the midst of pretty severe physical & psychological suffering & parts of it will pass in time but how am I supposed to contend with an existence where the future is impossible to view as livable.