Category Archives: Writing

Two Years On—My Love

Once I realized I was a butch lesbian, the rest quickly fell into place.

What I can tell you about my lover is that he utterly captivates me. Nel is someone who I was captivated by before we began dating, from the moments of laughter we shared together to catching glimpses of his intelligence & fiery personality. I thought Nel was fucking cool. When we got closer through shared passions & especially creativity, it was like finding a link in a chain I didn’t know I’d want to connect to.

I did, I wanted to, badly.

I wouldn’t lay the realization of lesbianism all on Nel, that came with a lot of thinking on both the past & present; being around other lesbians, him & our friends Ada & Kish (who were gifted with the comedic flusteredness of my crush prior to asking Nel out) certainly helped. Though when it came time to ask, on the time difference between the 29th & 30th of September in our time zones, I asked.

Ever since, I feel like I have lived with a warm sense of happiness in the deepest part of my body that has never left me, even in the darkest pits of distress & other issues.

I will leave some of our relationship to the imagination, but being with Nel is just wonderful. I couldn’t ask for a better lover. I just adore his passions and quirks, the things that make him Nel are the things I love most about them. As butches we’ve always clicked to similar beats, but the beauty of him to me is in the areas he differs are the ones where I click in, the serendipity of the two of us, our outer shells and our soft insides, there is a safety I know with Nel that I never knew before.

I love him, so much.

This year being our senior year, I know the weight on our plates, how things can become cyclical and we end our days exhausted more often than not. Because of that, I’m letting myself feel warm about the future, if this is year two, and I’m able to hold this warmth, what kind of light will the future bring.

Nel, my darling, may we have many, many more.

Time in the Light: Original Wrestling Fiction

This piece was orginally published during the 2023-2024 school year for a course on short fiction, this piece has been modified from it’s original version after workshopping and reflection

The first thing Céline notices is the bitching, about two minutes before her trainers call them all to attention for their daily drills.

“Why do the broads get their own locker room?”

A stocky man whispers behind his fringe at a distance from her, but Céline catches his hissing anyhow. She can’t remember his name, but his gimmick fits the brooding douche; some kind of fallen angel, a complex thing, she guesses.

“There’s only two of them, what a waste of fucking space.”

Another guy, not a wrestler mind you. The kid’s too young to wrestle under the commission, his nepotistic belief in a free ticket to winning the belt when he turns 18 shows in the contempt in his voice.

It’s true, of everyone who’s gone through the training school, women are few and far between.

Wrestling is a quiet activity in the Southwest, despite lucha libre dominating the popular conscious and late-night telecasts when Céline was small; the independent wrestling scene is fraught and minute though Céline saw no other path for herself when she signed on to train here, makeup of the class be damned.

The other broad in question steps out of the same place of ire.

Astronomica is her ring name. According to Buck, their trainer, it was the name she came with.

Céline found it commanding to say the least, leaving nothing to be said for her stature and build.

Astronomica is wide and tall; the curves of her body leave a lot of space to slam into her side. Her grip is suffocating and tight and the power in her thighs has sent her flying across the mat more than she could count.

It’s captivating, really.

She doesn’t know her shoot name, and truly hasn’t spoken to her much beyond pleasantries and calling matches despite all the time and space the two of them have in the shared locker room. It’s not to say she hasn’t studied the woman, her movements and tone.

The way her personality radiates within the ring is hard to ignore and Céline has caught herself admiring the wrestler from her side of the locker room more than she’d like to admit.

Buck calls the group’s attention before she can gawk at muscles across Astronomica’s arms further.

When she joined the school, Astronomica was already here having registered several months prior, and the two of them were quick to set a rule. Intergender matches were the day-to-day training, more than anyone else, they both wrestled the other men. Astronomica came from a family of athletes and was used to the roughness. Céline knew how to fight men from years of
friendship and more time playing football than she’d like to admit.

Neither of them would say it in the gym but their intergender opponents were simply minor steppingstones.

To fight each other, that was a challenge.

The first time they take each other, it’s the end of practice, it’s the last match of the night before cleaning, and despite Buck giving the boys shit for trying to take off, it’s not hard to feel their disinterest.

Now Céline takes on the vibrant form of MisSTAR, staring down Astronomica from the opposite corner with baggy eyes and a wild grin.

Wrestling, gets call it a lot of things. Entertainment, sports, a technical feat.

MisSTAR sees it as a dance.

When they lock up, Astronomica smells like sweat, smoke, and vanilla spray deodorant.

The chasm between her thick eyebrows is tight, her gaze is focused. The hold shifts, and MisSTAR reacts quick to the lurch her opponent gives her forearms in an attempt to break it.

MisSTAR wastes no time: it’s size versus agility, and she refuses to let her stature stop her.

It’s an elbow to the gut of Astronomica and a push to create distance. MisSTAR runs, flies against the ropes, past Astronomica and to the other side.

From the crowd, the crack of her knee to the back of Astronomica’s head is deafening.

MisSTAR collides like a heat seeking missile, and Astronomica is thrown into the center of the mat the second MisSTAR can get her footing.

She doesn’t stop there, MisSTAR is climbing to the closest corner. She’s been working on this; it’s been a sore point before.

Her balance catches on the top turnbuckle, and she spreads her arms wide.
For a moment, MisSTAR is weightless through the air, and crashes deep into her. Her tilt-a-whirl crossbody gets a shout even from the disinterested jobbers hanging around in the stands. It was her big moment, spiraling through the air, until she comes crashing down on Astronomica’s shimmering kneepads with a sick thud.

The rest of the match goes quick after that, where MisSTAR leads the opening, the latter half of the match is dominated by the shooting star herself.

Astronomica is hard to deny when a hip attack is thrown into MisSTAR’s face and chest after she was tossed into the turnbuckle pad with the whip of her arms. It’s fuzzy stumbling, and her silvery haze of her opponent’s gesturing hands tugged her body to the center of the ring, but the scream from
Astronomica as she flies forward for her backfist and the spinning behind her eyes means an ending.

A short count to three, and it’s all over.

Céline’s brain isn’t particularly on right now, Astronomica’s ‘Total Impact’ and eating the pin will do that to her regardless of being practiced, but she nods in appreciation at her and shuffles along once practice officially ends.

It’s been a long night, the ache in her is deeper than bone.

She needs a shower, first thing.

When she gets to her side of the locker room, she strips out of the gear she managed to keep on at the end of practice, and cringes at the way her breasts stick from the sweat.

Her shoulders aren’t any better, and Céline forces the tension down as she peels off her shorts.
Shower shoes on, towel around her waist, she moves along the empty rows of lockers.

“Hey–”

Astronomica is sitting at the last bench on the right, tucked back in the corner.
Céline turns to face her and, all at once, is seeing someone far different from the dynamo in the ring. Her hair is down, for the first thing. She’s used to seeing it in thick braids set on top of her head.

A second thing: Normally, Astronomica wears a tight-fitting top, that curves around her forearms and ends mid-stomach. It rides up during the match on occasion, but only now is Céline appreciating the sheer volume of muscle and shape on her body.

That is nothing to be said of the fact that the absence of the tank leaves space for the deep, wide swooping flesh; Céline admires the smoothness like polished stone. Stretchmarks and spots dance across her skin. An urge to count them like falling asteroids and distant stars hits her harder than any punch.

“I wanted to tell you, your moonsault has been getting better.”

Céline smiles at this and feigns a calm tone.

“I appreciate it-” an awkward chuckle, “you really gotta show me how you throw that much power into your spinning back fist, yknow.”

Astronomica stands up, she’s still wearing her kick pads and pants, but that doesn’t resolve the fluttering in Céline’s gut.

She’s looking up at her now, and Astronomica is standing with her hand on her hip.

“You know, you’re built like some of the people I threw with.”

Threw with?

The confusion of Céline’s face likely reads, because Astronomica continues, “It’s where I get my form for the backfist from, if you throw shotput, the movement and momentum is similar, let me show you.”

Céline stands there and watches her step back, she recognizes the stance from the moment before the backfist, but instead, Astronomica rocks her hips before taking off. Her feet skid against the linoleum floor and her body follows them, the momentum is in her hips, her thighs, throwing her around. Céline steels herself for the collision with her chest, but the flutters make her waver.

Instead of the hit, her arm flies in the air, she’s pushing the shotput instead, and she’s face to face with the rise and fall of her chest.

“See?” Her arm falls, and Astronomica is giving her a surprisingly sheepish grin.

“It’s all in the hips, all in the force in your legs, and carrying that motion up and out.”

Astronomica’s voice is softer, here, and she walks closer to Céline with each pause in her words.

They’re close, not as close as they’d be during a lock-up or a pin, but close enough for the palpations to rattle her. She’s hot again, almost sweating, surely, it’s just the lack of AC– It’s gotta be that –

“Yknow,” Astronomica’s lips curl up, “ you got a lot to work with MisSTAR.”
Céline’s ring name whines in her ears, nothing like the way the ring announcer screams it out; she clutches her towel tight, and lets a smirk rise above the heat.

“It’s Céline.” She offers.

Astronomica grins at that, “Well, then it’s Data.”

Céline’s heart leaves her pulsing, but her mouth and her ego bubbles out regardless, “Maybe I’ll show you more of what I’m working with.”

Sly, sure, a challenge, something to heat them both up.

She’s burning.

“I’d like that.” Astr-Data’s voice hums in fascination.

Céline is not good at hiding the heat in her eyes.

“Now go shower up, it’s gettin late.” Data nods towards the clock, and Céline cringes a little, it’s
set five minutes early, but she still doesn’t like the location of the hour hand at all.

Céline waves with her free hand and bids Data a goodnight.

Making it to the shower, waiting for things to quiet, she takes off her towel, turns to crack her
back.

Céline sighs and turns the shower cold.


It turns out, their in ring chemistry works just as well when they’re paired up. Buck suggested it
so his boys could get practice before the West Coast tag tournament, but Céline and Data were
open to the idea.

Since their moment in the locker room, the two began to talk more. It’s unsurprising when wrestlers talk about wrestling, but Céline can’t help but blush and grin like a madwoman when Data shows her the
collection of vintage joshi tapes the two start to study between practices.

They camp out at each other’s places between shows some nights, drifting off to Cutie Suzuki matches between glasses of wine and hours of talking.

When Data invites her to stay one night, cuddled up under one of Data’s many blankets as she
loads a new All Japan tape, Céline happily opens up the blanket to her, and Data relishes in her
partner’s warmth.

Their tag work gets better as they travel and train, and the minimal press coverage the area gets
is quick to highlight them as standouts. It’s the most press either pair has received since the start
of their careers, and the thrill it gives only brings them closer.

It’s a match for their local that sets them apart, Buck took the time to book a tag team out of San
Francisco for this show. For the faults of the industry, he did try for them.


Buzz began to grow when the Solar Flares faced Doll Parts.

For their credit, Doll Parts—Jem Plastic and Rosa Atómica—brought a violent punk flair
neither of the pair were accustomed to.

Part wrestling, part performance art–the crowd screams out when MisSTAR shreds down
Plastic’s sparkling fishnets in the rush of a DDT.

Astronimica is slapped hard with Rosa’s signature sparkle. The crowd is getting louder and
louder by the second and with he satisfying powerbomb Astronomica gets on Plastic while
they jeer when she bends like the brutalized Barbie she’s based on.

Though Astronomica isn’t legal, and she leaves the crumpled form of her opponent to her
ascending partner and guns for Atómica on outside. The fans are quick to jump up and
cheer around the fighting pair, but something else catches their attention.

The stunned crowd is chanting for her assension, MisSTAR perked up on the buckle as the
lights sparkle against her spandex suit. The jump sends her spinning yet again.


The three count is deafened by the roar. When the ref holds the winning pair’s hands, all
Céline can do is grin at the woman beside her.

The two are together more than they are apart. They tag in the ring and they travel to shows.
When the drives get long, and the road gets rougher, they agree to start staying together to save
time, money and gas. The situation is comfortable, especially so when Data moves from the pull
out couch to Céline’s warm bed.

If you asked Céline, it just felt right. Yes, her burning crush on the woman had definitely been a
factor, but the connection between them felt far deeper to her.

They spent hours on the road, talking about everything from their past to their present, their passions outside of the sport.

Céline shares her art for the first time since college with Data, after showing her mock ups for
matching gear. She watches her partner’s fingers in reverence as Data traces over the lines and
metallic fabric swatches with fascination.

Céline learns, after one particularly long trip, that Data is still a student, a Masters student no less, and lovingly indulges the women as she’s reading a draft out loud as they drive through the Nevada desert.

Data couldn’t deny it either, when she allowed herself to open, Céline made herself at home,
warm and radiating in her chest. It’s the drive she loves, the way Céline pushes the boundaries of
the rigid norm around her and casts that light around her. Céline can end a bar brawl quicker than
a squash match, but holds Data in bed like she’d hold priceless art. To say Data feels safe in the
hands of her partner would be an understatement.

They’re a unit, and they’re happy with these conditions.


Eventually it’s Data who slams a flyer on Céline’s shitty bedside folding table one night while
staying at her place. There’s openings for a new promotion; Lavender Wrestling League.

The kitschy neon blue highlight along a line—likely added by Data herself—is prodded at by her
short nails.

‘Women Tag Titles Yet To Be Claimed’

With stardust in her eyes, it’s hard to say no to Data’s raw energy. If they go for this, it could put
them on the map. This is a chance for something bigger, and they’d be fools not to take it. It’s a rare an indie like this pops up in this part of the country.

There are others, of course, it’s rare that titles for people like them get the spotlight, and the
league sets out a tag tournament in their debut location. The Arizona Red Rocks are vibrant even
against the white barn house, and the distant lavender fields that gave the promotion it’s
namesake sends floral notes between the typical wrestling stench.

Theres eight teams, and the tournament is getting eyes both for it’s uniqueness and the debut of a
new promotion. The eyes on them are undeniable, especially when press is involved. It’s the
brightest, most packed venue the pair has been in. Céline and Data do wonder quietly who’s
bankrolling the affair, but given the current stakes, they’d worry about pay after they became
champions.

First match in, they’re set against two green girls just out of the nearest training school.
The two know their basics, the Flares are grateful for that, since it’s their match to lead.

They play up everything they’ve worked on so far.
MisSTAR is legal now as she’s meant to raise the crowd, like morning glow and ozone she
leaves the crowd dazed and dazzled in the spirals of her shimmering kicks and glowing
punches.

Eventually the panic from the girls will set in, they’ll gang up on MisSTAR with the hope to
put out the Sun.

She tags in Astronomica and all at once the light is changed, eclipsing every bit of
momentum their opponents have. Where they try to orbit around her, it’s the fire in
Astronomica’s grip and the oppressive pressure of her slam that leaves her victim all but
helpless to the very danger Astronomica has been eclipsing.

The sun can be dangerous, it can burn, and when MisSTAR spirals into the sky, even
Astronomica wonders if she’ll catch flame.


Satin clings to Data’s bare back, the Santa Fe heat is oppressive this time of year, but it doesn’t
stop the jocks from clinging to each other. Céline is between her thighs, her square face
squeezed softly, framed below by dark curls.

“Did they really name you after the Star Trek character?”

Céline takes traces at the inside of dark thighs, ever closer to the twitching heat that got the pair
in this mess.

Data gasps out, “It was a nickname before I took it for mine-now stop talking about my parents!”

Her partner does laugh at this, “S’cute–I took mine right out of a baby book.”

Scorching lips surround the heat between Data’s legs, Céline groans around her clit, and she
relents to the hands pushing her knees apart. Head tilted back, hands twitching in the gaudy
magenta under her.

Data rocks her hips, glancing at the title belts they left on Céline’s clothes covered chair and the
way her lover’s breasts reflect off the silver.

Data basks in her lover’s light.

The night they are crowned champions, things are tense. Céline gets more call ups, but she stays
behind, Data gets offers for Japan, but they don’t want them both. Every single match they share
together, the more they’re asked to come apart.

The LWL belts. They keep them together. It’s a reign they hold onto by the skin of their teeth.
The promotion does pay well, as they later learn the location they’ve been wrestling in was an
old lavender and wine grape farm, bought by a butch and her femme looking to have a place for
the events and organizations they cared about; just their luck the pair loved professional
wrestling.

For a long time things are good, they travel, they wrestle, they train, they fuck. Céline and Data
take pleasure in a place they know they are safe in, the sort of peaceful isolation that comes with
the tender intimacy of love in private.

Though neither of them hide it. Not here, not now, in and out of the ring their adoring fans
scream just as much for their tender touches as a team as the devastating blows they throw at
their opponents.

That is, until, someone sees it to intervene.

As nice as the gig is, as much as the crowds love them, wrestling has its traditions. The queer has
its place, but it’s never the main event for long. A place like Lavander Wrestling League is rich
with criticism no matter how they try to shrug it off. Everyone from the owners to the wrestlers
gets caught under watchful eyes of the industry, and the obsessive misogyny and
sexism fans of the sport allow to foam from their mouths.

Whispers and rumors run wild across locker rooms and forums, a litany of concerned watchers
can’t help but speak up. Look at the way they look at each other, they way they touch, that can’t
be put on a grand stage.

Break them up, book series where they destroy each other in and out of the ring.

Changes in the booking happen all the time.

What could be done.

Who it hurts? Who it breaks?

The orbit shifts.


At one show, Data gets a chance for a smoke break while Céline sat in catering, she’s leaning
against the trunk of her car when she notices it’s uneven tilt. It’s then she notices the left tire in
the darkness, slashed and flat.

For the rest of that show, Céline notices her tension, but not the
rubber and oil stains on Data’s hands from secretly replacing the tire with it’s spare.

The crowds get harsher, and it’s the darling femme of the owner pair, a greying woman named
Taylor, who warns Data that if things get worse, they might have to go with a safer plan, one that
protects the pair if the aggression makes it’s way to a show.

The stress is getting too much to process, planning a program where a kayfabe fight splits the
pair up, the tension bubbling until they can’t handle it anymore. A program to pull the attention
away from their relationship makes nothing but sense.

Data should have known that any advanced plan could have gone to shit. Their popularity ran in
tandem with the vitrol. It’s getting to the both of them, sleepless stressed out nights between the
aches and pain, the notifications online the pair is forced to mute, the manifestation of a deeper
terror taking hold.

They’re good for starting the feud at the next Pay Per View, okayed among the parties who need
to know and noone else. Céline doesn’t sugarcoat her frustration at the expectation of her
‘victory’ in this feud, Data doesn’t hide her concern. They hold each other, they’re ready for
anything, they promise.

That is, until, all of that is thrown away the second MisSTAR misses a flip on the guard rail
during a house show, weeks before a plan can be put into action.

It’s an instant stoppage, the shock of the crowd, Data, and the referee changes the tone of the
room in an instant.

Medical wheels Céline straight to the onsite ambulance. Data follows behind.

They drop the belts.

The doctors Céline’s jaw shut.

Standing in her hospital room, Data screams, she talks, she watches the cars with out of state plates hover around the hospital. In the silence she shares with Céline, the questions start to linger, and the poking follows soon after.

A call from the booker, the butch. A suggestion to pivot graces her ears, one that comes out with an ache.

A resolution, a way to end things with as much peace as they can afford.


Céline takes the laptop, browsing down the colums and feeds of headlines and rumors.

“Lavender Lovers Scorned, Beloved Tag Team Shattered.”

“Dark Skies, The Solar Flares Vanish after Injury and Fight”

For once, Céline enjoys reading dirtsheets.

She honestly can’t remember half of what Data said to her, high on whatever worked with her
allergy, but she did remember the plan before the doctors took her away.

“I’m gonna look out for you, protect us, make sure we get you some privacy to heal up.”

Maybe she was losing it from the adrenaline, but it looked like Data had mouthed I love you
before the swinging doors hid her nervous partner.

And now they’re laying here, together in Céline’s bed, back home on the border of Arizona and
New Mexico.

They can’t talk, at least, not Céline, but they have time to sketch out a plan through sign, whiteboard notes and codes tapped on skin. Céline floats between waves of pleasure, painkillers, and adoring touch.

Though eventually, the days draped in plush blankets and quivering knees are
traded for physical therapy and reading contracts.

The bookers don’t know, of course, that they’re staying together. Southwest wrestlers are a black
hole if Cagematch is any indicator, so Céline signs on with a company out in California, and
Data takes jobs out East.

It’s safer this way, they think.

Still, the pair cling to their moments together like grappling on the mat, engulfed in each other,
with Céline whispering plans to finally come back in the ring and put Data over for good, to
settle any question that she was the star.

Data, though, she traces the scars on her lover’s jaw with veneration, and the ache of her hip
presses into the mattress dull and heavy.

She wonders if they’ll get a chance to use the same baby book Céline used to pick her name.

She wonders if the dirt sheets will mind the silence and leave them be.

She wonders if they’ll have time.

Review: Summer Small Games

Lately, exhaustion has been the name of the game. My energy for larger scale games and projects has collapsed a good bit, so instead, I’ve been gravitating towards games on the shorter or nonlinear variety, things to check in on every once and a while, and pick up and play type titles.

1. Pixross by Kenney

A play on picross, Picross is a classic for short visual puzzles and needed a few minutes to just fiddle. Each board offers a cute pixel image for you to uncover, and I never really feel the urge to burn through puzzles at a rapid pace. With over 170 puzzles, different challenges, effects and unlockable to go through, it’s a nice game for pulling myself out of a digital haze if I’ve been stuck in the same place for some time.

2. Garden Galaxy by Anneka Tran

Another game that joins us in the paced and relaxing categories but brings on a designers and idle game twist. Ironically, I think fans of the Minecraft game mode Skyblock would get this quite the kick out of this game. Starting on a floating grassy platform, you earn coins from little garden creatures, and slowly unlock ground, water, decor, and various style sets for you to discover. What I love about this game is the ways the creatures gather when you’re away, and the sheer number of materials and configurations means that each island gets to be an unique experience that feels really peaceful to assemble. The soft graphics, the sounds, everything comes together for an experience you make, I found my playtime with it especially meditative as I’d come up with design areas and slowly build to my goals.

3. KittyToy by Rakqoi

A precious game inspired by Neko Atsume, You take care of and adopt cats, slowly earning kitty coin to purchase things for the creatures and decorate your home. Nothing about the game is particularly new in concept, but it executes everything quite well, with some fun mechanics for petting and giving your cats affection, playing and bouncing with toys, and bizarre and adorable names.

A screenshot of KittyToy, featuring cats with the names, from top left: Sage Sticky, Stardust, Spinny, Pita Jr. and Sweet and Sour Almond
These cats love to hang, a big crowd here, featuring Sage Sticky, Stardust, Pita Jr., Spinny, and Sweet and Sour Almond

Being able to adopt cats with a collar meant that I could keep some of my favorites, like Stardust in this case, but not every cat stays forever, and we got a lot of strange and silly visitors, which you can keep track of in game!

A screenshot of Warlock Churro (Copyrighted) a white cat sitting asleep in a cat bed.
One of our stranger little visitors, Warlock Churro (Copyrighted)

4. Passion Paradox by Denparin

A recommended title from Kishux, Passion Paradox is a visual novel, focused on a flushed, awkward and impassioned Mia, and her love for a piece of history, the story and the sacrifice one woman faced in the 1600s.

This is a fairly short visual novel, with not much decision making involved, just you are being led through Mia’s world. A dissatisfied museum worker, her heart lies on a pot depicting Sybil Godwin, and her brain lies within the story of her death.

ot from Passion Paradox showing Sybil Godwin, a redheaded woman, pressed into the back of Mia Gonzales, who has black hair obscuring her flustered face.
Sybil, pressed into Mia’s chest, guiding the woman through yarn work, though Mia is far more concerned with Sybil’s touch.

A culmination of small scale social and material dissatisfaction for one modern woman, getting something she dreamed, and giving herself to this dedication. This has some of the classic tropes and niceties of the genre, so if a cosmic dedication to a woman that goes beyond time interests you. You can even play it in browser.

Since this is a shorter romp, and you can read it, I encourage you to play the game (and check the content warnings before proceeding.)

All in all, this hasn’t been a huge time period of gaming for me, but these are some of the highlights, beyond the games I come back to. Let me know if you’ve checked any of these games out, or if you have suggestions for more games I can play and review! Comments are appreciated <3.

A screenshot from the game Serre, showing Oaxa, a pink and yellow bee alien with six eyes, looming over Arlette, a blond earthling woman, with her two large insect claws.

Review: Serre by Insertdisk5

Serre is a short and sweet visual novel from the makers of In Stars and Time! Featuring an alien sent to concur Earth, and an awkward woman alone in her greenhouse.

This game was originally submitted to the Yuri Game Jam 2017, though caught my eye through it’s submission for the Palestinian Relief Bundle. Before I talk about the game, though the bundle itself ended May 6th, you can still donate to the Palestine Children’s Relief Fund, the target organization the bundle supported now.

I wanted to play Serre primarily because I recognized the developer! Browsing through Ardienne Bazir’s work as a game designer, this game stood out for its warmth and brightness, a focus on romance, and enchanting character design that similarly pulled me into In Stars and Time!

The play time on Serre is fairly short, it took around 45 minutes with me reading both voice parts to my partner to get through the entire piece. With a short story like this, and the meet cute formula of Oaxa; the alien we meet after crashing into the greenhouse, we get a great look at the character voices and ways they express themselves incredibly naturally through precious sprite design and well written dialogue.

There are absolutely shades of In Stars and Time through the short stint of Serre, where @butchcats pointed out how similar Oaxa was to Mirabelle throughout, I found Arlette; our human protagonist, to exhibit some of the writing tropes and internal voice present in Siffren’s writing as well. While I’m not quite ready to review In Stars and Time quite yet, given my familiarity with the game at this point, Serre felt like a welcomed and softer approach to the skills that went on to make the stunning title.

Since this game is so short, you should honestly play it for yourself! I know for me, taking the time to indulge in Serre’s world and the way love and hope for a future played out within the piece made for a perfect late-night game to share with my lover.

If you enjoy the game, or have any thoughts, feel free to talk about them here!

Cry For Changes: Log-03252024

Typically, I wouldn’t be public about the detailed aspects of the downturns for my mental health. While I open myself up and whittle away at the vast and complex state of my being under the current state of the world and my own unique health experiences. I’m turning 22 this year, and this is a cry for help.

Tomorrow, according to the publishing date, is my birthday. I’ll be officially older than my mother was when she had me. The fact that she was around my age when I came into being makes this entire experience, all things considered, even worse.

I’m sick. I continue to be sick. I am writing this partially because I took off of work today because I cannot tomorrow. I shouldn’t have taken the day off. I’m barely going to make my rent, I had to ask for help with my internet bill. Once I pay my bills, I will have almost no money in my bank account. At this point in my life, I am dependent on my diminishing scholarships and student loans to pay for my basic living expenses, the generosity of my retired father when he can afford to loan me a couple of hundred bucks. Every time I see my bank account balance drop, I feel like vomiting. Picking up medication, going to the store, feeding myself every day, asking for more needles for my HRT because I’m never given enough, begging for coverage because my heart is beating in my chest so hard my bedroom starts spinning and not getting an answer.

I keep asking myself what the point of this is.

I am filled with so much fucking love.

I’m in a time in my life where some of the most vital relationships I’ve ever had are the ones I hold now. Overwhelming love for my lover and the friends who have shaped my life in irreplaceable ways. Like hands that morph and shape wet clay. It is through these means of connection and love for the sheer volume of humanity I feel that I feel compelled to stay, to hold on, to let myself change and be changed.

I cannot ignore however the ever present violent throbbing in my chest. I break out in a sweat at the suggestion of movement. I rely on the likes of my mask and other sensory equipment in public to hide my discomfort and suffering. My constant, obsessive fear for at least the past few months that I will crack my head against the floor or counters in my apartment, and the only concern from the people who see me in real life is whether I’ll be showing up for my shift and turning my homework in. If I died, it would take until I didn’t pay the bills for anyone except the people miles away from me to notice. I am perpetually fearful of either letting myself slip away or losing control of my health and losing myself and the people I love in it.

I was supposed to graduate this year. I feel an eternal pressure to have things together, not because of the state cultural expectations on work and the typical adult life, but because of the sheer instability I’ve lived in all my life. One thing goes wrong, the balance shifts, and an entire system can collapse. I’ve seen collapses. I’m writing about collapses. I have borne witness to so many physical collapses on a personal scale. I have felt the shattering of everything I knew so distinctly in a moment of utter despair and especially medical collapse. I am 22 years old and my terror of dying is so exceptional I do not think I have looked towards the grander thrills of life in quite some time, outside the exceptional fantasy.

I want to live old. One of the few things I’m proud of, convincing my father to stop one of his last damaging vices with cigarettes. The woman who raised me died of a heart attack in 2017 after ignoring the signs of symptoms for several weeks, and I was one of the last people to spend personal time with her alive. I can barely remember the trip that we took, which initially showed the signs of her illness. I cannot remember her voice.

I am consistently pained by the state of the world. I am an angry person. I desperately hope to see better days. I am working with people and communities to support my own life, to make things better for not only myself, but the people I know and don’t know.

When I began writing this I was feeling an intense despair, I was tasked with seeking out my support systems in between finishing this now. I am fighting to change things. I will fight to make things better. I am turning 22, and I will keep living. I dream of a long life. I dream of a life free from the horrors of capital and the mechanisms of suffering we are all put through.

I love you.

Overheating: Log-02222024

I’ve always grown up somewhere hot. Every summer, the heat would climb until the swamp cooler’s effectiveness would be diminished by physics itself.

I don’t tan like my siblings or my grandparents, not as much. My grandparents both had and have beautiful, wrinkled tanned skin from years of outdoor work, spending their time outside. They used to talk about the garden they had, or the days they would hike canyons. I remember my grandmother taking me out to the desert a lot when I was younger, and sometimes she’d remember to slather me in sunblock, but I think I found my appreciation for the outdoors, regardless of the heat, because of the vast open space the rocks, cliffs, and dunes offered me then.

I have some distinct high heat memories, like the summer before my freshman year, when I surprised by family by also joining the marching band. Though I had covered myself in sunscreen, though my grandpa warned me to wear long sleeves instead (a sensible, logical, and effective way to protect your skin from the sun); I came home with my skin covered in reddish amber, and shoulders covered in blisters everywhere where my tank top straps could not protect. I distinctly remember the process of pain I went through during my first band camp, largely because for the most part, I was the only one to be trained in my position; the longer I worked, the more I embraced the pain, dealing with the blisters and accepting the friction as my arms and flag glided through the air and around my body. For me, heat meant pain, and heat meant action.

Another one of these memories was the move in process going into my freshman year of college. Down several family members compared to those summer days four years ago, it was understandable that my (grand)dad could not help me with the extensive move. I got help from a local friend I haven’t talked to in a long time, with the two of us laying out, appreciative of the broken AC that sent out air much cooler than it was supposed to. It was 113 degrees outside that day, and by the end I was shuddering and dripping with sweat, but it was the most free I had felt in months. I opened my blinds in the room I would be staying in, and accepted the sun in full.

I’m reflecting on heat, specially overheating, because of my ongoing illnesses and exhaustion. Where I am now, we were lucky to get a bit of cold in the early winter, and rain at the start of the year to reasonably drop the temp a bit, but this place, every part of it, isn’t exactly designed for safety in mind.

I’ve been feeling guilt about a particular issue I’ve been having. I got quite comfortable in environments by myself. Furthermore, I suspect that, in terms of my academics, a part of my unease in many of my classrooms is related to a lot of torment and harassment. When you are picked at and fucked with in a contained space, it turns you into something tense and always aware. Before I was on my recent medication, and while I was younger, I was often the one separated from the classroom, by choice, or by force because of my discomfort, instability, and outbursts. Sitting in a classroom desk, I feel myself get hotter and hotter, unable to focus on instruction. Every sound, noise, cough, squeak and scratch makes my skin crawl. If I get touched. I panic.

This was me in childhood. I recognize the patterns I took to keep myself stable in those environments, removing myself, extracurriculars that kept me out of the traditional classroom, the lunches I spent hiding. Those were sensible coping mechanisms I manipulated and begged for to my teachers and peers, and because I was a child who could not receive mental health support, that was the best they could do for me.

So I find myself in college now, and I thought I’d have far more control over my stability within my existence and education.

This was, unfortunately, an ill planned thought.

When local cases of COVID-19 were located in my county, soon things shut down, my grades were okay enough for the most part as a senior in largely supplemental classes that I didn’t need to do much, and my college registration, instead of being a grueling trip for an elderly man and his disabled kid, was a simple few hours of online, direct communication and getting my classes situated.

Even though I was physically on campus in 2020, the campus was a dead zone. I lived alone at the end of my hall, and I loved it. My requirements for the day that saw me out in public were the essential matters, and my job. This was arguably the semester I had the best attendance in my entire academic career, following the intensification of my symptoms beginning in my sophomore year of high school. Whenever I go back to my camera roll from that time, around March 2020 to May 2021, I see a person who’s entirely different from the person writing this, even though for the most part we’re the same. He was on testosterone, seeing changes, taking classes he enjoyed, spending time alone.

I differed in the summer of 2022, I don’t need to talk much about the in between time, because it’s a period I’m still examining for my own wellness, issues, and trauma.

I’m writing now, I am on testosterone, but I am not seeing changes other than the way I sweat and getting dizzy in the heat. Not only that, but I’m taking classes I am far more passionate about, but struggle to attend consistently, and instead of enjoying my time alone, I am fucking desperate for it.

There’s at least several things I could pinpoint. I mentioned before my anxiety and unease in physical classrooms full of people, though I think this is only a part of the problem. COVID-19 isolation was such a vital part of keeping my family safe due to a number of reasons, I continue to keep myself as educated as I can on the ongoing pandemic concerns due to my months of reporting local, county, and reservation case and death numbers. Once I started having in person classes, mask mandates did exist at first, but that did not solve the classrooms with horrible ventilation and heating. In numerous classes, since returning, I have sat, unfocused, vibrating, trying desperately to not vomit back into my mask.

Any precautions my university once had for respiratory illnesses and infections is now gone. I have and continue to wear my masks. I have classes in a small window of time to accommodate for my mobility and my transportation schedule. Likewise, I changed my degree, so I wouldn’t be forced into classes with attendance policies so strict you’d have to hope someone in the class had gotten seriously ill and drop out in order to get off the wait list.

I’m not succeeding. The classes I sit in, their ventilation is worse, unless you’re able to maybe open a window. There is no restraint on disgusting behavior, getting coughed on out in the open from behind because no one covers their mouth anymore. Coming into a room, being the only one in a mask, where it’s already presumed I’m a student who’s sick and troublesome because of my accommodations submitted from the DRC two weeks in and the click of my cane (or eventually, I suspect soon, my walker.) I’m a student who will sit in your in person class praying the entire time I don’t catch a respiratory virus, or measles. While my professor lectures, I’m doing the math on the safest time to take my migraine medication, since I’m not sure the seed pain has grown enough yet for me to “justify” it.

I get stars in my vision, blinking hazy spots surrounded by blackish gray haze. There is a distinct tingle to the body, where you can feel the chill of your own sweat and electric stings firing off your nerves, my breath gets heavy, long, and slow.

I had to leave class again, and I’m skipping my second one too. I’ll go back to my job in a few hours, where the airflow, and the occasional ability to take a break outside, will keep me going till closing.

I want to be seen as a good student, as a good person. It’s not terror anymore, I haven’t felt driven by terror in a long time. I feel deliberately distant, like the exact kind of student the advisors and mentors and professors and administrators identity as lazy, uncaring, and wasting everyone’s time.

I think the way universities and schools often treat their students as a part of larger money making systems, and the way it is encouraged to dehumanize the student so that the most efficient teaching and grading can take place. Receiving an education, regardless of whether it’s post secondary education or vocational focused, still feels like my only way out, even though the demands of labor in this country continue to shrink in favor of capitalist gain at the cost of the people who commit the labor. Because I am not, and never will be, an optimal student for the system I’m in, and other systems I look at with a lot of melancholy, my ill-preparedness for the future is just more point of pain, stress, and obsession for me.

I want to love being in a classroom, I want to love school and the work I do. Instead, all I feel is heat. I feel invisible blisters and wounds in the places old scars lay, unstable hands taking minutes to type what takes an instant to come to my mind.

I am burning, and I am begging to be put out.



2023-12-20 Reading List and 2024 Goals

I’m writing this with a warm excitement, both because they finally turned on the heating at work, and because I feel really proud after I hit my reading goal for this year.

I set myself a 12 book goal, one book a month, as a means to seemingly pase myself and allow for a bit of experimentation in terms of what I read.

First and foremost, I hit my goal and exceeded it by one book, I read 15 in total from January to the day I’m writing this. While there’s a chance I finish one to two more books by the time this is out, I’ll probably add them to next year’s goal, which I’ll discuss further down.

Secondly, just to provide some context for how I managed to finish my goal this year, I want to be clear that what counts as a finished piece in my tracker of choice, Storygraph, can very. While I did read larger works, a majority of what I read was under 300 pages, with the smallest page count clocking in at 12 pages.

This year, I prioritized short stories at first to just encourage me to read. I found even the average size novel intimidating given I hadn’t tackled one since high school. I found myself pretty disillusioned and intimidated even though by and large, I spend large portions of my day reading and writing. In the latter half of the year, the short story emphasis continued since I had a course focused on such. For that course, some of the material I read I chose to add to my list were the ones I enjoyed the most.

As I eased myself into bigger novels or different mediums, I found myself enjoying the pace of reading or listening, and the habit became not only comfortable and consistent, but something I turned to in order to calm myself.

That was a lot of pre-amble, so lets turn the page into the amble.

2023 Reading List

Fucking Trans Women: A Zine About the Sex Lives of Trans Women – Mira Bellwether

Statistics

80 Pages
First Published in 2010
Finished January 7th 2023

Thoughts

I was vaguely familiar with Bellwether’s work in extension to the way she was often cited among other trans women and sex educators in the field, though I only picked up FTW after hearing about her passing from across the internet and her partner.

I want to highlight the insurmountable value I received from Bellwether’s words on sex, intimacy and communication. Importantly, the acknowledgement of the body and how to inhabit them. The abandonment of metaphor that Bellwether puts forward in respect for sex provided a framework I never had before in dialogue about sex even if I’m not dating a trans woman.

It stunned me so as someone with a stunted sense of the sexual self, and I ache for more work that takes on the raw, genuine complexities trans bodies can experience the way Bellwether did.

You can get Fucking Trans Women here, and support Mira’s family while you’re at it.

Love, Despite Everything – Elliot Herriman

Statistics

32 Pages
First Published in 2020
Finished April 9th 2023

Thoughts

Love Despite Everything features three short stories, either played through Twine or read in a PDF.

The Pieces: teeth into bone, maladaption, and seré, lo que era,

I found this piece on my browses of itch.io and in carving into the smaller creative works I find a lot of beautiful and aching stories I wouldn’t have found otherwise.

With stories as short as these, I suggest you read them on Elliot’s page, but I want to address the afterword Elliot offered:

I’m proud of you for healing, as much as you have, I hope you know that I found these words cathartic and meaningful.

I hope you know you’re more than good enough.

Disintegrate/Dissociate – Arielle Twist

Statistics

80 Pages
First Published 2019
Finished April 21st 2023

Thoughts

Taking on a poetry collection is an essential part of any reading goal for me. I often feel far too embarrassed to publish my own poetry, so seeing Twist put this much soul and rage into depicting and weaving together her life that it smacked into me like the kind of punches being thrown by kids who called me disgusting words.

I read Under Uprooted Trees and I start to feel static behind my eyes, losing control, losing me, Twist thinking of the selves she killed and I wonder how many of us commit to those suicides compared to the physical act. I am not owed the intimacies and pain Twist displays across Disintegrate/Dissociate. Though poetry, however personal, has always given me a sense of connection both in the patterns of pain, and the patterns of love artists allow us to follow.

The Lemon King – A.E. Ross

Statistics

46 pages
First Published 2018
Finished April 21st 2023

Thoughts

This is a shorter historical fiction piece, centered on the lives of two boys in California’s juvenile system on the cusp of discovering so much about themselves, and their communities. While it clocked in at 47 pages, I found myself feeling connected to these two boys, their isolation and frustration. To capture the unique perspective of homophobia in childhood communities and how it is punished differently for the likes of non-white men, the prose provided so much yet made me ache to know more about Clark and Julio, even without the chance to

Meteor Family – Ennis Rook Bashe

Statistics

31 Pages
First Published 2018
Finished April 23rd 2023

Thoughts

Every once and a while I’ll come across a piece that checks all of the boxes for what I look for in fiction, and Meteor family frankly nailed it. Following the butch gladiator and a genderless reptile mercenary, the piece builds as a cosmic found family narrative with love and violence that left me utterly losing it. Cameron instantly charmed me as a character, but the entire cast gets the chance to shine in really stunning poetic vignettes. Bashe’s work continues to pull me in with the way descriptive text and poetics meet the characters and plot to actually flow quite well. I definitely encourage giving this one a read.

Stone Butch Blues – Leslie Feinberg

Statistics

308 Pages
First Published 1993
Finished May 11th 2023

Thoughts

I think it’s funny when a text is associated as an essential work, yet the discussions I see surrounding the book only seem referencial, not contextual or focused on the writing itself. I feel this way with Stone Butch Blues.

I’ve seen quotes, I’ve seen artistic depictions, memes and posts shaming the commodification of this book over and over before I even knew I was a lesbian. I was fully aware of the intensity of this piece thanks to several kind warnings, and because of those warnings I knew I would be hit hard by the novel, but would likely find some comfort in seeing some experiences (especially that of the earlier chapters) played out. Because of that, this year was finally the time for me to dig into the piece without any preconceived notions of the book and allow myself to embrace it for what it is, and this was a fantastic choice.

Workplace struggle. I find if you don’t come out of reading Stone Butch Blues with that burning familiar feeling that comes with living to survive, and the presence of labor rights and unionization discussion is simply a background piece, I think you go the wrong thing out of this book. I have never seen myself in another lesbian the way I have seen myself in Jess’s stress in the factories, or frustration in typesetting, or the dread and fear that comes with being the person demanding better treatment. To see the struggles I’ve had in the workplace as a butch mirrored here made me feel almost bitter and comforted at the same time.

Interestingly, the parts I connected to the least were the parts that heavily featured the extended presence of lesbian community and interaction throughout the book. Bar culture is dead, communities get tighter and harsher. If I’m being realistic, a lot of what we saw in the novel, the back and forth between different ideological frameworks of not just lesbianism, but how we carry on existing amongst each other would cause such imaginable discourse now (it’s no wonder we can cite the likes of Feinberg and writers of the time discussing the same issues in a circular inescapable tar pit.) I distinctly remember Jess’ disgust at her friends, both butches, being together, and how disgusted it made me. To watch Jess and the surrounding cast grow and change for the sake of living the best lives they could though, that SHOULD be something readers of Stone Butch Blues take in. Whether due to the time, their circumstances, or survival, it was the people who changed and grew who survived.

I cannot finish a review or thoughts on Stone Butch Blues without talking about the way love is depicted. There’s of course a lot of impactful love that isn’t romantic, though longing feels key to Jess’ survival as a butch. These relationships pulled at my heart, seeing the people who I looked up to and loved in the lines talking about Al and the roles Jess was taught. Theresa and Ruth both play such key roles in the depictions of love and roles within the piece. Like Jess being unable to let go in a lot of ways, Theresa to me felt close to the longing I felt when young for that perfect relationship, the one that clicks, the easy proposal and spark. What I saw in Jess and Theresa’s relationship was the walls closing in on what could be normal, what could be acceptable, and the pain of not only being confused as to who you are, but rejected for it. It’s where Ruth offers an embrace of the imperfect, acceptance and understanding of who Jess is and was, along with Jess accepting Ruth. It’s the fact that implicitly, the pair had equal footing over the other, where the lines of gender and love willingly blur for the sake of sincere connection; I can’t think of something more beautiful to end on.

To see someone like Jess embraced and loved. To see Jess and Ruth survive and have those beautiful moments. God. What more could a lesbian ask for.

Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx and Speech Sounds by Octavia Butler

Statistics

55 Pages and 12 Pages
First Published in 1997 and 1983
Finished on September 11th and October 13th 2023

Thoughts

Both short stories I read for my fiction class last semester, and the standout ones at that. These two are in my personal reading list because I took extra care to reread and dissect them for my course, though I honestly have some pretty brief thoughts.

The key thing with these two pieces is you need to experience them. Read them. Read the dialogue out loud, linger over the ways description is constructed. For every page there is a litany of vibrant description and stunning internal narration.

The best way to experience the joy, love and pain these two pieces have to offer without pulling it out of myself is to read the work yourself, and hopefully you’ll be utterly captured by it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The IDW Collection Volume 1 – Kevin Eastman, Tom Waltz, Erik Burnham

Statistics

424 Pages
First Published 2015
Finished October 20th 2023

Thoughts

I got on a big Ninja Turtles kick this year because of my wife (getting into things because of him will come up again), and I’ve got to say the IDW collection is quite fun. It’s not my perfect TMNT lore by any means, but by starting with Raphael and the outside world of New York getting the picture of just what is happening and how it effects the turtles made for an unique introduction that left me absolutely enamored with the boys and their childish spark. I definitely called the turtles cute a lot while reading this, but the IDW series is a must read for turtle lovers in my book and I plan on finding the other volumes.

Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic – Alison Bechdel

Statistics

232 Pages
First Published 2006
Finished October 24th 2023

Thoughts

I described Fun Home in my initial review of the comic as being dunked in ice.

I’d describe it now as standing in a walk in cooler.

My situation isn’t exactly similar to Alison’s but it did scare me. You have a parent in your life you look up to, you loved, but the conditions of your life and theirs make for nothing but well, conflict.

I see Alison’s parents in my grandmother, the love and disgust playing back and forth between the all consuming depth of their creativity. Bruce’s opulent and flowery home feels no different to my family home drenched in southwestern ruggedness and obsessive reverence. The two of them, Bruce and my Grandmother, are more alike than not.

I played around cold dead bodies and flowers waiting for their rightful place on top of caskets.

Missing her, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in the ache.

Writing Fiction, Tenth Edition: A Guide to Narrative Craft- Janet Burroway

Statistics

240 Pages
Edition Published 2019
Finished November 30th 2023

Thoughts

Another piece for my fiction class, except I found Burroway’s advice rather flat, basic and trite with far too many examples and not much in the way of exploratory writing outside of the prompts offered within the book, which were the best part by far. I think it’s kind of heartbreaking that thi is one of the most popular means of teaching fiction writing for students.

Murderbot Diaries #1,2 and 3 – Martha Wells

Statistics

3 hours 17 minutes, 3 hours 21 minutes, and 3 hours 46 minutes
First Published 2017 and 2018
Finished December 2nd, 21st, and 25th

Thoughts

For a series I’ve heard about and avoided due to how much I’ve heard about it, this might be the best thing I’ve picked up that was actually worth the hype. I listened to the audio books (narrated by Kevin R. Free, which delighted my brain as a long sung Welcome to Nightvale Fan) with Nel and got instantly sucked in to basically everything.

Murderbot offers a look into the world shamelessly critical of the systems within it while implicitly aware of how dangerous they are for people who fall outside of those systems. The books were an absolute joy to read with someone while reacting incredibly autisticly, and bouncing back and forth discussing the complexities of the world Wells created. In the New Year, we finished book 4 as well, and while we’re stalled for the semester starting, we can’t wait to jump back in to the much longer later books.

Somewhere Like This – Pat Arrowsmith

Statistics

190 Pages
First Published 1970
Finished December 22nd 2023

Thoughts

Likely the most niche book I read this year and the last physical book, Somewhere Like This was originally published in 1970, though my copy published in 1990 offers a preface from the author which lends itself essential to how I digested the book.

Somewhere Like This is a prison novel, depicting the likes of an all Women’s prison the likes of with Arrowsmith understood well, as the preface details the likes of her own sentences for anti-war activism, with this she crafts a narrative surrounding prison life and the intersections of lesbian identity, gender nonconformity and power structure that felt real and raw.

Depictions of women across the spectrum of perspectives in both their internal and external selves was stunning. First and foremost, encountering the way Arrowsmith put to words the social dynamics between women who hold power and the people under them was jaw dropping. Much of the administrative force within the prison system was also women and the clear way evidence of self inflicted misogyny and the misguided ideologies the staff has, from the punitive and corrective means to the more progressive seeming mental support efforts it’s clear from the start that the system fails every person from the top to bottom. This failure becomes clearer and clearer through the cast of prisoners as the the conditions of their imprisonment and their mental state is given to you directly. Many of the women in this prison were failed, whether through abuse, violence, poverty or mistreatment and this is a realistic and painful read.

I find it incredibly rare in the books I’ve read that depict the emotional pain of rejection and existence as a butch so true to form. There’s a particular scene where Lorry, the introductory character to the novel, confronts this life-long part of her existence and is rejected by an officer who she thought was also a butch. I was caught by the dysphoria and shame across the novel, especially by this rejection and the officer’s own conflict and ultimate upholding of the status quo the most. I ask myself how many of us, the butches and women I love in my life, ache and crave for the connection and understanding that the prisoners and workers of Collingwood prison long for.

None of the characters are perfect, but that is what made them feel real. The longing for intimacy, touch and love, that felt real. Bitter heartbreak and raw anger felt real too. Somewhere Like This consistently pulled me into thinking about my own past and reality as someone on an outskirt of womanhood and the meaningful and complex relationships I had in the past and now.

Giving this book a shot after finding it in the somewhat dated Gay and Lesbian section at my used bookstore was one of my favorite decisions this year, and will absolutely pull me back to the section for the hope of more raw, real and niche writing like Arrowsmith’s.

All in all, I’m pretty happy with everything I read this year and really enjoyed getting to write about them for you! If you have any questions for me, wanna talk about this article or want help accessing the books I read, give me a shout!

2023-11-20-New Exhaustion

Originally Published on Obsidian Publish.

This is new, isn’t it?

A new blog, a new format, I’ve been desperate for some changes.

I covered in the intro post that this blog itself will be a work in progress, and that is true, however you should come to expect a complete overhaul in my online presence by the time the new year rolls around.

I have issues, obsessions with systems and procedures and failing them. This impacts me in a lot of areas, but when it’s applied to my own created systems, I get a sort of misalignment in my brain that causes the kind of thoughts I don’t think I should post online.

That being said, this system is intended to get me to write. That’s the goal here. While I am porting some issues of the old Neocities blog to here, Obsidian Publish opens up the vault of sorts to allow me to publish much more of my writing and thoughts. As I organize this, and allow more to flow into the public, I hope to let this stand as a monument to the more interpersonal writing I enjoy.

Life right now, compared to my last entry for this blog, is a lot better. I got settled in an apartment, I’m back on the benefits I needed to survive, I’m back on testosterone.

Needless to say, there’s a lot more going on in the world.

I’m tired. I’m very tired.

Earlier today, I spoke loudly in the face of the man who can technically get me fired, and pushed him to answer for the ongoing issues in our department related to Gaza.

It’s hard to feel anger even, all things considered.

I want to fight for something better, a place that’s good. For the people I love and the people I can’t begin to know.