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Update 7-3-2024

I haven’t really been “online” since the start of the month largely because July is a really horrific month for my depression and with losing my job I’ve just been feeling pretty awful. It’s hard to be a human during times like this. I’m physically and mentally exhausted to the point of what feels like an unrepairable level. As I’m writing this, I’m laying here and struggling with my energy and breath already. I’m sorry to everyone who expects more of me.

Physical Therapy Round 2!

I’m starting physical therapy again with a new location, same general doctors office. Last time, the doctor really focused on my back & it fucked me up pretty hard, but this focus is on my knees. I’ve had knee damage for years, especially do to injury. My biggest hope is that maybe I’d be able to have the strength to go on longer walks, pull of squatting and lifting weights again. Realistically, my hope is just a little bit more comfort

Reading

Started reading Clive Barker’s The Hellbound Heart as my bus book since it’s fairly travel friendly, I watched Hellraiser fairly young and it did stick with me, but in reading the book instantly I can feel the detailed tightness of Barker’s writing oozing with sensuality and the multi-sensory dictation of pleasure as a complex, almost horrifying sensation. The malaise of the mundane and discontentment padded against this world of extreme pleasure is daunting and captivating even three chapters in.

Meditation Rumination

Especially on nights like tonight where I’m not feeling particularly well, I tru to meditate or use a yoga nidra technique to calm my nerves & rest but lately getting physical tension out of my body has been nigh imposible. I’ve been wanting to explore meditation & body practices to release the sheer tension in my body, especially because I’m starting physical therapy again.