Once I realized I was a butch lesbian, the rest quickly fell into place.
What I can tell you about my lover is that he utterly captivates me. Nel is someone who I was captivated by before we began dating, from the moments of laughter we shared together to catching glimpses of his intelligence & fiery personality. I thought Nel was fucking cool. When we got closer through shared passions & especially creativity, it was like finding a link in a chain I didn’t know I’d want to connect to.
I did, I wanted to, badly.
I wouldn’t lay the realization of lesbianism all on Nel, that came with a lot of thinking on both the past & present; being around other lesbians, him & our friends Ada & Kish (who were gifted with the comedic flusteredness of my crush prior to asking Nel out) certainly helped. Though when it came time to ask, on the time difference between the 29th & 30th of September in our time zones, I asked.
Ever since, I feel like I have lived with a warm sense of happiness in the deepest part of my body that has never left me, even in the darkest pits of distress & other issues.
I will leave some of our relationship to the imagination, but being with Nel is just wonderful. I couldn’t ask for a better lover. I just adore his passions and quirks, the things that make him Nel are the things I love most about them. As butches we’ve always clicked to similar beats, but the beauty of him to me is in the areas he differs are the ones where I click in, the serendipity of the two of us, our outer shells and our soft insides, there is a safety I know with Nel that I never knew before.
I love him, so much.
This year being our senior year, I know the weight on our plates, how things can become cyclical and we end our days exhausted more often than not. Because of that, I’m letting myself feel warm about the future, if this is year two, and I’m able to hold this warmth, what kind of light will the future bring.
In the time it took for me to write this blog post, Blaseball permanently ended, I faced (and am still kind of facing) a rental scam, and I’ve setting into a somewhat permeant place to stay.
Now, that’s a lot, lol.
To be frank, I’m in a weird state, things are okay to the extent that through support from folks, as well as receiving some of my money back from the scam. I start work in August formally for the University, and then I’m applying for work near my place. Things are okay, at least it feels like they should be.
There’s the lingering anxiety of financial stability of course, but I find myself actually managing my anxiety easier! I still have to pay rent at the end of the day, so I may be working on some things soon along with finishing up existing work. I feel the buzz of creative energy in me, but there is an unending exhaustion, and unending urge to move. Now that I’m settled, I have to manage the way I use my energy.
I don’t really owe anyone the private details, but managing the fear of complete collapse is my goal.
A certain six-year anniversary passed this last Sunday, one that feels harder and stranger to reckon with every year.
I find that the distance makes the ache hurt less.
One last small joy, I have a system to request maintenance from my apartment’s property manager and the mechanics? They’re lesbians. Lesbian wives too, they’ll be coming over to replace my oven hood next week.
In the meantime between blog posts and updates, my Ko-fi is the primary way to support me, or you can ask for something else via a DM, I’ll get together a page in the next few days that houses the support list.
It’s that time of year again, and it feels sort of like bittersweet chocolate. I’ve been craving creative outlets beyond my school work, of course, and Blaseball is a familiar house. It’s also one that’s gone now.
I don’t think I’ve really grasped what the end of Blaseball means in an artistic sense yet. In the practical sense it means the “community” will divide further, based on interests and preexisting divisions; the developers and moderators will, hopefully, all find new work in the future [in some cases, it looks like a few already have], it means people will move on.
Moving on is a weird way to put it, at least for me, I find Blaseball overall to be something really valuable to me, in the memories, peers, friends, and knowledge I found. I also know, that like most typical “fandom” spaces, the toxicity and genuine faults across all levels of the game and the network surrounding caused me and the people I loved a lot of harm and grief. In that sense, saying goodbye feels okay to me.
Back to the point of artistic meaning, I know I’m not done developing or depicting my thoughts on Blaseball. While I’m sure, like other previous creative endeavors in my life, I’ll fade it out of my creative lexicon, I still have stories I’d like to tell.
The Blaseball Zine Jam this year is going to give me a much-needed artistic reset I need, and while I’m sure I’ll have a lot of pieces released for it, expect some original work too!
Some Things I’ve Enjoyed During All Of This
I got turned on to non-alcoholic hops drinks by one of my mom’s best friends, he had us over, and he helped me move, but that might be my most pretentious moment yet. Also enjoyed Strawberry Basil Soda.
A new Mountain Goats song came out today. I need to know more about miss Jenny from Thebes
I cannot tell you how often Fuel occupies my brain, I am SO relieved someone like Jacob Geller covered it because it has lived with me as a title since childhood.
If you’re a wrestling fan, keep an eye on Exploding Cage! I may have a piece in the works, now that I’m recovering from my moving disaster.
Lastly, I really found solace in coding again recently, hense the varity of changes across my site. I think, in all of things that happened to me over the course of the last blog post to now. I ached for structure and stability while absolutely not having that, and during the time I was couch surfing and waiting for all the professional agencies to do things on their end so that I could get to where I am now, I coded. I’m happy with this set up as of late, and I’m sure more updates will come down the pipe.
Thank you for reading, thank you to everyone who has continued to keep me afloat, thank you to the people who have been patient with me.
These last few weeks have been a recovery week. I’m feeling fairly good as I write this, but with medication changes you sometimes have a bad time.
That said, things have regulated out a bit now, and I have some upcoming project goals in the next month.
Earlier last week my dad and I went through my grandma’s stained glass supplies, and I picked out a few pieces to make some projects with. I’ve fooled around with pattern cutting and using some old tools, but I’m definitely going to need new glass cutters. I’ll write a separate blog post documenting that process collectively, but I’ll start drawing some patterns for some sun catchers next week, and I think I’m gonna theme them around a few personal/friend related things to start.
[Image I.D.: A picture of my kitchen table covered in cardbord, glass, and paper pattern pieces, along with my tools.]
I’ve been trying to slow down. I think. At least in the sense that I’m trying to be more reflective about how I write and how I communicate with others, which has been a process like all things are. First and foremost, it’s nice to have a support system of people who recognize the difficulties I have with communication and tools to improve myself.
It’s especially hard in the creative sense. It’s no secret I’m constantly inspired. I am interested in *so* much, but much like with my communication skills, I’m working hard to be more direct, and a bit limited in my inspirations so I can hone in *how* I’m inspired, and how that directs me.
I’ve been struggling to pick up a book this month, but one that is currently in my interest pile is Queer Airwaves: The Story of Gay and Lesbian Broadcasting by Gail Johnson and Michael C Keith. Shocker I know, I’m thinking about radio again.
I haven’t picked it up yet, but at least with my experience in the rural Southwest, radio is an extremely conservative form of media. I’ve pitched LGBT focused radio content in the past, and I was a bit in over my head, but I think I’m up for some digging again. When I pick Queer Airwaves up, I’m sure I’ll talk about it here.
With work done and having some time off, of course I used part of that time to do errands. A small fondness from chores was cleaning one of the cabinets in our house, we found a really pretty ash tray made by my grandmother for her father in law. I’m so enamored with the shape of this piece, I might try to recreate it at some point. A family filled with ex smokers can be so, so autistic about smoking paraphernalia.
[Image I.D.: A picture of a circular ashtray being held upright, it is a big circular dish, with a raised wall with three evenly spaced notches for joints. It is glaced in oxides and glaze in blue, teal, brown and grey.]
This is more of an unfinished blog post this week. I’ve been a lot busier with appointments and tasks and futureproofing some things, more to come, as always.
Grappling with the new era and figuring out the umpires has been a casual back processor of mine for a while, but Blink’s work is utterly horrifying and effective. Alternation is such a sore spot among fans and taking such a unique and again, terrifying look into even a “good” call in a game of Blaseball is amazing.
Hen has one of the most stellar grasps of environmental horror I’ve ever read. The Mints are an…underrepresented team in the lore and fic genre and this instantly pulled me in I’m fascinated with these players and this world soo much.
Pandora does a such a sweet job recapping the little in/out of universe game that the “Wild High” teams play for this BNN Article. My fondness for the old division remains from the time the Lovers were welcomed into the Legacy league.
There’s a lot of beloved interps in here that Pandora captured, and in true Wild Wings fashion, our incineration is the first one to introduce the belt to the new era.
First off, go look at Ada’s website! She’s so fucking stellar with code (helped me out when I first started my site), and the site style is just stunning.
I’m highlighting her entire poems page, because they’re all really beautiful and visceral pieces.
My personal favorite is is To Change but you should read them all. https://www.youtube.com/embed/IALJrMgacMU
This tiny pottery studio tour by issey roquet was CRAZY inspiring as someone who A) would really like to get back into pottery and B) doesn’t have a large space.
I also took the time to watch her shorts, she has such a lovely presentation! I hope she posts more to Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/embed/7cOVubGtaB0
I really loved this sketchbook tour by Terra Zook. I appreciate the discussion between mental health and art and your creative output. I also found reflecting on the things you create when you were struggling is…just really nice. I appreciated her outlook.
Her style is also really, really fun. It popped quite nice for me and hit me with some ideas for sustaining a sketchbook.
Closing
Thanks if you’ve gotten this far! You get to read both my shill corner and a special blog update (update.)
Being autistic, making myself write a “projects update” aka what I’ve been thinking about lately.
Was following a thread on the Yesterweb Forum, about journaling, and I stumbled upon an interesting term I hadn’t heard before called a Digital Garden, with is a specific journal you keep for writing about your interests.
I typically keep a journal for emotional and physical things, and as such sometimes my interests will cross over but not as much, and I wanted a generalized place to store notes on different subject matter across time because I’ve always been dissatisfied with my ability to keep paper writing. I’ve kept paper journals, it isn’t right for me, I suppose.
For my personal journal, I’m using RedNotebook a functional diary application that allows for custom templates and automatic calendar dating, as well as a fun word cloud, so I can see how much I write in a certain topic (ironically, one interest has slipped through the cracks, but that’s for me to know and for you to assume when I’m not around or whatever.)
For my notes’ system, I was using TiddlyWiki, but it wasn’t a snappy enough system for me and I had frequent backup issues. I think I might rely on Tiddly Wiki in the future as an indexing form once the acclimation of these notes expands a bit more, I’m also (terrifyingly) eventually planning on noting the two surviving journals I have from high school. Not now. Probably not for a long while. But eventually. I’ve put them in storage.
Right now, I’m using Notes-Up as my system for long term notes, for example things like clothing sizes in specific types of jeans or whatever. I have an academic section I am slowly building as well as a professional section, and then my digital garden. Presently. I’m mainly writing a lot about robots.
I’ve updated my Neocities. I’m still kind of updating it. Past unreliable attempts on updates made me desperate to have one solution to every part of me and what I create. I realized it’s okay to utilize separate spaces as long as it works for me, and I’m transparent about it. My site is just an easy way to point people, and it’s a consistent learning project on HTML and CSS, and it’s something my brain can turn to when I get worked up. Eventually I’ll use a GitHub pages to host my proper professional portfolio, it’s just taken a lot of energy to assemble that after the burnout.
Lately, my girlfriend and I have been watching competitive scrabble competitions. We’ve been playing a lot frequently, too, but we haven’t played since we’ve started watching the competitive scene. We’re going to drag our friends into sick, sick games of scrabble, and frankly I cannot wait.
