Once I realized I was a butch lesbian, the rest quickly fell into place.

What I can tell you about my lover is that he utterly captivates me. Nel is someone who I was captivated by before we began dating, from the moments of laughter we shared together to catching glimpses of his intelligence & fiery personality. I thought Nel was fucking cool. When we got closer through shared passions & especially creativity, it was like finding a link in a chain I didn’t know I’d want to connect to.

I did, I wanted to, badly.

I wouldn’t lay the realization of lesbianism all on Nel, that came with a lot of thinking on both the past & present; being around other lesbians, him & our friends Ada & Kish (who were gifted with the comedic flusteredness of my crush prior to asking Nel out) certainly helped. Though when it came time to ask, on the time difference between the 29th & 30th of September in our time zones, I asked.

Ever since, I feel like I have lived with a warm sense of happiness in the deepest part of my body that has never left me, even in the darkest pits of distress & other issues.

I will leave some of our relationship to the imagination, but being with Nel is just wonderful. I couldn’t ask for a better lover. I just adore his passions and quirks, the things that make him Nel are the things I love most about them. As butches we’ve always clicked to similar beats, but the beauty of him to me is in the areas he differs are the ones where I click in, the serendipity of the two of us, our outer shells and our soft insides, there is a safety I know with Nel that I never knew before.

I love him, so much.

This year being our senior year, I know the weight on our plates, how things can become cyclical and we end our days exhausted more often than not. Because of that, I’m letting myself feel warm about the future, if this is year two, and I’m able to hold this warmth, what kind of light will the future bring.

Nel, my darling, may we have many, many more.